Where they at tho?!? (Personal)

Light skinned.

Curly hair.

Fat.

All statements that someone can use to try and shame me or try to describe my beauty. Growing up I saw many girls who could look like me. Who could be me, except for one thing.

Fat.

Whenever a girl was NOT SKINNY, she was called fat. She was the friend that either had to be mean or funny to grab peoples attention. Her personality must match her size, or else she would be called other things. I saw girls that were typically the butt of jokes, from men and woman, and I saw the world fat = ugly.

All I’ve ever wanted to be was beautiful. Sometimes in the physical aesthetics, mostly from the inside. I was taught it’s the inside that counts anyway. And now I’m not quite sure if that wasn’t a way to also tell me I would never be desirable because of my size, only my heart. But, beauty is so many different things for me.

One of the wonderful changes in society is the presence of bigger bodies in the media. While there will always be a “model” size no matter what size you are, it’s nice to see that. It’s also comforting to see people be bold with their clothing choices. I was never that bold, because my grandmother wouldn’t allow me to showcase my fat body. It was bad enough her daughter was fat, her granddaughter too… SHEESH.

What I don’t see, and what I want to create is a softness not often seen in plus size bodies, outside of their fluffy state. (I like to call myself fluffy). I don’t see plus sized folks laying in beds of flowers, or softly touching another body, not sexually, but softly. I don’t see flower adorned, cotton candy images of plus sized bodies. Those images were meant for the Ingenue. There is a lack of innocence in the portrayal of ¬†adult plus sized bodies. I want to change that. That’s why I write about love. That’s why I’m experimenting with how I sing and what images I put out there. That’s why I need to grow in my own self esteem to feel confident in wearing that floral dress that is usually shown on the skinny, country girl.

With all that is happening in the world, I choose to be light. I choose to be beauty. I choose to be love. This world desires me to spread that a little further than I’m comfortable with, but it’s time. And I’ll never be fully ready, so why not make that leap now. No more hiding, Be soft Jeanette. Be gentle. To YOURSELF first, then to others. Show what that means.

Love, light, and beauty

JB

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